I left my job recently to focus on growing my business and to be totally honest it scares the crap out of me.
I keep telling myself that’s a separate thing from what I want to write about. It isn’t. It’s the reason for all of it.
There’s always something I “miss” when it comes to being a good friend. A birthday, a dinner, a text back. It’s one of the worst parts of having executive dysfunction: the constant worry that I’ve offended someone by not texting, paired with not texting because I’m scared I already texted too much.
So I just don’t. And the silence does the offending for me.
That’s why I’ve started literally scheduling my hangs. I turn 30 in a month, my daughter is four, time has stopped feeling abstract. If I like my friends more than my work and my hobbies (I do), they should get the prioritized hours. Simple math.
Here’s the part I didn’t expect.
Now that I’m home with my family, I feel more disconnected from people, not less.
Turns out my 9-5 was doing more than paying me. It cut my day into pieces. I had a few free hours so I used them on purpose. Now the whole day is “free,” and instead of reaching out I scroll. I watch everyone’s lives go by and my brain files it as connection. It isn’t. I get the dopamine, skip the empathy, and never actually show up. There’s no human standing in front of me, so it’s easy to write the whole thing off.
People notice that. I might not, but they do.
So if I could instantly master one skill, it wouldn’t be a language or an instrument. It’d be this: staying connected without needing a job, a calendar, or a crisis to force my hand. Showing up because I mean to, not because some structure made me.
I’m not there yet. But my actions, or lack of them, say more than anything I’d text. So I’m working on it.
Writing more is part of that. It’s me reaching out on purpose. If you want to come along for the second half of the year, subscribe.
Let’s both get a little better at this.
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